Week of Love: Videogames’ Lonely Hearts

Mario has Peach. Link has Zelda (mostly). Cloud has Tifa. And Aeris. And Yuffie and Barret, sometimes. The point I’m trying to make is, there’s a lot of videogame characters that have their own perfect match; but there are yet more who will sadly be alone this Valentines day. We could take a step back and let them enjoy their privacy, but that’s boring and conscientious- which I’m pretty sure also means ‘boring’. Instead, lets take a look at the lonely hearts ads and online dating profiles some of these fictional loners have created.

DISCLAIMER: All of the following profiles are 100% real as the characters that created them.

GLaDOS (Portal Series)

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Single, female genetic life-form and disk operating system in charge of several miles of state-of-the-art underground research facility. Bubbly personality. Male or female, all calls answered, but must have an open mind and be interested in ‘experimentation’ whilst inside of me. Looking for long (LONG) term, open relationship- it’s fun to play together. Applicants must be athletic, intelligent and thick-skinned. I like the kind of person who can get creative when life gives them lemons.

I’m not just a robot- there’s more to me than meets the eye. I’m a moral, adventurous go-getter, with a passion for all things science and space. I’m a goddess in the kitchen, as well as just about everything else. Just wait until you’ve had a slice of my cake- you’ll be dying for more.

Nathan Drake (Uncharted Series)lonely hearts3

A/S/L: 32, M, Anywhere you want, Baby

I dunno what to say really. I’m just a guy, like any other guy. I like hanging out with my bros, grabbing a beer, shooting ethnics- just normal guy stuff, really. I mean, I’m sort of a big deal. I’m like, a super cool archaeologist, and I get to fly around the world and stuff. When you know where to look, the ancient world offers up such a bounty of beautiful, awe-inspiring sights, as to truly take man’s breath away. Plus they’re usually full of swag, which is pretty sweet.

No but seriously, I’m really interested in the whole history thing. I even try to base my identity on Francis Drake- I know, I am one classy guy, right? There’s just something about the five hundred year old, slave-trading, racist explorer that I feel real connection to. Good looking as well as deep, interesting and three-dimensional to match, what are you waiting for ladies?

When I’m not killing people in tombs, you can find me killing people on trains, killing people on aircraft, killing people whilst hanging off trains and aircraft, plotting to double cross and generally being as snarky as possible about any given situation. That’s not to say I don’t come with a little baggage.There’s some girl who’s always hanging around – I think she expects something from me because we’re married or something, I dunno- but she’s not up to the action. Could you be? If you’re looking for a high-octane, high-risk lifestyle and you know your way around a Wes-44, then I’m the guy for you, babe.

Kuma (Tekken Series)

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Name: mhuggins

Age: 10

Height: 9’2’’

Weight: 463lbs

Nationality: Japanese

About Me: I’m an ACTUAL BEAR

(I’m a tall, husky guy, just seeking friendship- for now. I’m the kind of guy who likes to take things slowly and build up a connection instead of rushing into things. I just got out of a tough relationship with a panda, but it never really worked out. She never really seemed to notice me, I could never get her away from her friend, and to be honest the whole things put me off dating for a while. Plus the last time I tried online dating and told everyone I was a big, strong bear, things turned out… unexpectedly, for everyone involved

I’m not much of a career guy. I nearly got my hands on a company of my own once, but that didn’t work out. You know the story- I got caught up in shifting realities, one minute I’m a champion with my own company, next I’m a lowly bum, the usual routine. Cry me a river right? I’ve worked part-time as a bodyguard for an old friend of my Dad’s for a while now, but he’s died a couple of times now and I think it’s time to look for other avenues of employment.

My real interests involve martial arts and connecting with my own spirituality. I spent a few months training in Hokkaido once, and it was just incredible. I felt really in touch with nature, and I started to see the world the way it was- not just how I’d been tricked into seeing it. I’m pretty good with my paws- enough to tie a neckerchief, anyway, and type out this profile- and I’m really quite a tender dude, despite the rough exterior.

If you’re looking to chat, and just generally hang out with online, hit me up- if you think you could bear with me.)

Egg-thief (Spyro the Dragonlonely hearts 5

Naughty, devilish and always playing hard to get, I’m looking for a strong, fast hero to lead on a chase. I’ll lead you around in a few circles, but when you catch me it’ll be worth the hunt.

I recently got out of a tough relationship- the guy was a real dragon. Needless to say, I walked away from the whole situation burnt. But I’m back in the game, and ready for you to catch me if you can!

My interests include running, fashion and oology. I’ve got a playful personality- I just can’t help poking fun at people!- but it’s all in jest really. I won’t hurt you ;p

Beyond my naughty nature, I’m also nice. People are always surprised to hear about my strong, maternal instinct. All I have to do is glance at an egg and I get all broody and clingy. If you’re just interested in a quick thrill, then I’m still the girl for you, but I’m also interested in long-term arrangements.

Anyone interested should just pm me- if you think you can keep up, lol ;p

Ramza Beoulve (Final Fantasy Tactics)

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Age: 16

Occupaton: Squire (Other jobs include knight, arithmancer, dragoon, ninja etc.)

Faith: Heretic

A aristocrat born of the honorable House Beoulve, I’ve spent most of my life performing my duties as befits my station. But mine noble brothers say that that I am in fact a “tight ass”, or some other such beast of burden, and have so bade me to seek companionship elsewhere. I search, I suppose, for companionship. Of course, I pledge to conduct myself with utmost courtesy, as befits a young man of my station, and their shall be nary a hanky or panky to be seen.

Unlike many members of my class, I am open to requests of courtship from anyone, from any walk of life. My firmest companion is himself base-born, despite any aspirations he may have otherwise. I’ve even been known to covort with hired hands and crooks in lowly taverns, though I’d rather not go into further detail than that. I would, however, give fair warning that mine brother, Dycedarg, doth find entertainment in practicing his marksmanship skills upon the serfs of the castle; perhaps the answer to the eternal question had best be “your place”.

With respect to many of the comments upon this profile, I’d like to make some things very clear. I did not kill an innocent priest. Nor am I a heretic against the church. But the man who attack me was actually a monster, mind-controlled by an ancient stone. I am a squire, bound by etiquette and law- not a common murderer. And the accusations that I incestuously breed chocobos in order to produce exotic mutations is preposterously skewed. It’s perfectly normal to breed animals to reproduce certain traits- even if one of those trait is the ability to summon meteors.

Should you find my advertisement of availability pleasing, please feel free to contact me. I travel regularly, and finding decent wifi in Ivalice can always be troublesome. If you have trouble contacting me online, please leave your correspondence at Castle Eagrose, or with any of the least reputable innkeepers of the land; I’m sure I’ll receive it sooner or later. Any applicants who are secretly mind-controlled by Zodiac stones need not apply.

Knuckles (Sonic series)

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Name: Knuckles

Ethnicity: Red

Species: Echidna

‘Sup. Name’s knuckles. I’m looking for love, and I heard this was the place to come.

You’ve caught me at a good time, ladies. I’ve just gone through a major overhaul. All my life I’ve been living in the shadow of a friend. Time was I was even in his shadow’s shadow. I just couldn’t keep up with him- and then I realized, I didn’t have to. It took me a while to find my place again. I tried to fill the gap in my life with all sorts of spiritual stuff- didn’t work out. But you know what did? Me.

That’s right ladies- you’re looking at the new me, and ain’t it a sight for sore eyes? You wanna get your hands on this? BAM. PM me baby, and we’ll see what we can do.

Oh, and If that hasn’t sold ya- look up ‘echidna anatomy’ on the net sometime. That’s right.

Peace out.