Five Things To Do Before Watching The “Breaking Bad” Premiere

If you’re like me, then you are anticipating the final eight episodes of “Breaking Bad” this Sunday, Aug. 11. And if you’re also like me, you are seeking even MORE ways to show your enthusiasm for the series on your Facebook posts. Well, sit back and relax as I inform you of five things that you absolutely can’t watch “Breaking Bad” without doing at least once on your Facebook account.

5. Tell everyone your overwhelming desire to see Skylar White killed in the first five minutes of the premiere. 



I copied and pasted these four examples into one image to prove a point. It just wouldn’t be “Breaking Bad” if someone didn’t exclaim how much that they despise Walter White’s scumbag wife, Skylar White. I mean, she’s totally not the main antagonist, and screw her for wanting to save her family from the evil, drug dealing, psychotic husband, she’s such a terrible person! So be sure to go on Facebook, preferably on the “Breaking Bad” Facebook page, where everyone can see your intelligent, well-thought out arguments on why Skylar needs to die before the half-way mark of the season premiere!

4. Make a joke about how Hank Schrader hasn’t gotten off of the toilet since last season’s finale. 



Slight Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the season finale, but the cliffhanger leaves Hank hanging on the edge of an intense “dump-revelation” where we think he is piecing together the mystery of Heisenberg while on the toilet. Of course the humor in this scene is priceless. I mean, he’s on the TOILET! THAT’S SO FUNNY! But what’s even funnier than that? Oh, I know! Saying that he hasn’t left the toilet SINCE LAST YEAR! WHOA! THAT’S COMEDIC GOLD RIGHT THERE! If you have a chance, be sure to join the millions of others who are posting literally the same comment over and over again, because the rules of comedy say that the more people saying the same joke makes said joke funnier each time it’s said, right? Right.

3. Make a comment portraying Walter Jr., or a comment about how much Walter Jr., likes Breakfast. 



Okay, forgive me, this one is actually really funny. Especially since R.J. Mitte, the actor portraying Walter Jr., seems to have acknowledged it in his Twitter description.

FLYNI don’t know how many times that I’ve seen “H-H-HANK….” or “B-B-BREAKFAST…” as a reply on the “Breaking Bad” Facebook page, and it’s simply hilarious. Don’t ever stop replying in one-word sentences, pretending to be a character on a television show. Keep it up. Maybe one day, you WILL be a character on a television show, and then someone, somewhere in the world will make a Facebook account, role-playing your character, and continuing the viscous cycle. But first, you have to eat your breakfast.

2. Post your favorite quote from any of the episodes. Bonus points if said quote has the phrases “Stay out of my Territory,” “I am the Danger,” or “I am the one who knocks.” 



Yeah, I use myself as an example, because I am the one who posts. But in all seriousness, your friends on your Facebook page won’t know how cool you are until you quote Walter White, or Jesse Pinkman (think anything Walter says, just add the word “Bitch” to the end), but once you do, you’ll be the talk of the town! Maybe, with enough practice quoting the characters, Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul will come visit you and award you the “honorary Breaking Bad fan award,” but I wouldn’t bet on it. I hear that’s only given to the best of fans.

1. Finally, when you’ve done all four of these things, watch the show, and then rant and rave about it in a vague, obscure way about how it either exceeded/didn’t meet your expectations. 



Well, it’s over. You’ve finally seen the “Breaking Bad” premiere. What’s left to do but to post a status about how you watched it? It’s always important on social media to let your many, many fans and friends know what you’re watching, and why they should care what you thought about it. Of course they SHOULD care anyway. They’re your friends, after all. So post it up, and remember to watch the final eight episodes of “Breaking Bad,” beginning this Sunday at 8/9 C on AMC.

This article is Satire. Please watch “Breaking Bad” as it concludes, and post what you will via Facebook. Thanks!