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8 Hilariously Bad Intros in Video Games

 

It has recently been announced that Deadly Premonition is getting a Director’s Cut release in March 2013, and I’m really looking forward to it. Deadly Premonition is just one of those games I keep recommending to people whenever I think of it, if for no other reason than how amazingly messed-up it is. The gameplay isn’t that great, but the story and characters are so completely bizarre that it flips the scale upside-down and becomes awesome. And if “WTF” was a real substance, the ending to the game would’ve been made entirely out of it.

And I almost didn’t play the game at all – until I saw the intro on Youtube. Between how royally screwed up in the head it was, and its budget price, I HAD to give it a try. And I’m glad I did, because as weird and bizarre as the intro was, the whole game just got more twisted and insane as it went on – and I was glued to my seat the entire time.

Thinking about this game, and the intro, got me thinking about other so-bad-they’re-good game introduction cinematics. They’re almost like good B-movies, where you know they’re terrible, but they’re even more entertaining because of it. So I’ve compiled a list of other awesomely bad game intros, but please keep in mind two things.

First, this list is entirely subjective, I’ve only listed games I’ve played or owned. So while I know the Legend of Zelda games for the CD-I had horrendous cutscenes, I’ve never played them, so they’re not on the list, along with other famous ones like Zero Wing for the Genesis.

Secondly, this is not a ‘top’ list. I could have put together my top X hilariously bad intro cutscenes, but there were literally so many to choose from (and I’m almost positive I’m forgetting some really good ones) that I would rather do multiple lists instead of one “best” list. So I’m reserving the right to bring you “X More Hilariously Bad Intros in Video Games” at a later date, filled with more awesomely bad intros.
 

T.R.A.G. (PSX)

Whenever I mention this game, the response is almost always “….what?” Yes, this game did exist, and it’s just as atrocious as it is obscure. The game was bravely attempting to be something of a Resident Evil clone with less emphasis on horror and more on sci-fi and action. It’s just a pity it failed so miserably, but the intro is still worth a look, if only for humor’s sake.

First, we get to enjoy some exposition, ripped straight from the plot of Die Hard, delivered by a news reporter who seems to have taken ten Valium and tranquilized herself into oblivion. Then Captain Picard gives some generic police instructions, and his assistant tries to hide the fact that she’s playing Doom on her computer, but the sound effect of a door opening keeps giving her away. Upon hearing that they’ve lost contact with two SWAT units in the basement, Captain Picard says “Well, they’re on their own now,” moving his lips about twice as often as he actually needed to say it.

Then we’re shown the basement, where it becomes clear why the team hasn’t responded – they’re all dead. Except for one girl, who appears to be wearing a cross between football equipment and pajamas, running down the aisle until grabbed by a man wearing an absurd technological monstrosity for a headband, the only real purpose of which, as far as I can tell, is to maintain the anti-gravity field his hair is in. The girl finally speaks, and like the reporter, has apparently been dazed into speaking as slowly as humanly possible. Then some random bad guy floats a bomb down the sewer, and our “heroes” stare at it for a full five seconds before deciding to be somewhere more conducive to long-term health.

 

Warhawk (PSX)

I’ve already lampooned the Warhawk cinematics a bit in my Playstation retro review, but in case you haven’t seen that, I’ll go over it. Warhawk was a pretty fun flight-combat game, but the real gems of this game were the cinematics. FMV was still pretty big at the time, so Singletrac decided to use live-action for their cutscenes – without much real talent in acting, writing, or directing.

The first person we see is Commander Jassic, and she’s the only actor here who appears to be trying to act. But she’s forced to drop a ton of execrably-written exposition, and even her skills are strained to the limit. And I’m convinced Singletrac hired a homeless guy off the street to play the Corporal she’s talking to. But then Hatch and Walker show up, and the homeless guy heads off to drop a deuce in the corner.

And I’m not saying Hatch and Walker are an upgrade – Hatch is played by a robot designed to mimic human behavior without understanding it, but as the square-jawed hero type, what do you expect? And Walker is a community theatre reject with a perpetually confused look on his face.

I know this list is primarily about intros, but ALL of Warhawk’s cinematics are hilariously bad, so I’m linking to a video showing them all. After all, the best part of these cutscenes comes much later in the game, with the villain, Kreel. Holy pancake farts, what in the name of the gods was that guy smoking?

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