The Dark Side of Gaming

Most of us look to gaming as a breezy escape from the hardships of our normal lives.  However, are they really that breezy?  Are things that much more better in the gaming world.  I say no!  Open your eyes people, and you will see that there is some seriously dark s**t going on in some of our favorite video games.  It’s time some of the practices were revealed to thepublic.  Caution:  Some of this imagery is disturbing.

Mario Sacrificing Yoshi:  We look at Mario like he is some kind of hero, but is he really?  He continuously rips Princess Peach out of her lover’s hands at her tyrannical father’s request.  He, for no reason, slaughters multitudes of innocent turtle ducks and Goombas who only want to wander back and forth blindly.  Goombas!  They’re not hurting anybody.  Of course, these war crimes are nothing compared to Mario’s true depth of evil.  Consider his stalwart friend Yoshi.  Mario frees Yoshi from his egg, so the adorable dinosaur comes into this world knowing nothing but the fat plumber on his back.  How would you like that to be your first thought?

After gaining the poor creatures trust, Mario does the unthinkable.  Despite the fact that he can literally stockpile lives from a very common fungus, he has no problem dropping his “friend” to his death for nothing but a few inches and a golden coin.  Then, when that monster finds a new dinosaur, he just gives him the same name and repeats the process.  A comet didn’t wipe out the dinosaurs, Mario did.  History.

Link Eats Human Hearts:  I don’t think that anybody really thinks Link is a true hero, dude has a vandalism problem after all, but I’m not sure people really understand how black his soul actually is.  Through some sort of voodoo-elf magic, Link restocks his “life gauge” with the hearts of his fallen enemies, some of which are human guards.  It should also be noted that these guards are only doing their job and searching down a wanted criminal.

Of course he doesn’t stop at human hearts.  He will eat spider hearts, worm hearts, basically any living creature he can tear a major organ from.  Why?  Because he has a sword, hears voices and claims it is his birthright.  Even if he doesn’t need another heart for his evil alchemy, he has no problem taking it anyway.  And don’t even get me started on his sick habit of imprisoning fairies in bottles.

Everything about the Pokémon universe:  Seriously, there is nothing child-friendly about Pokémon.  Kids are encouraged to leave their villages with nothing but a few berries and a couple bucks.  Once outside, they are forced to capture a slew of wild animals, stuff them into little balls and fight them for the rest of their natural lives.  The world is filled with a bunch of narcissistic teenagers who will fight you, with their own captured monsters of course, simply for glancing at them.

It’s sick.  Literally the entire world is based around these glorified cockfights, and nobody seems to have any inkling that things are amiss.  Even legendary Pokémon on the brink of extinction aren’t safe from a trainers wrath, and with no sort of preservation law, anything can be wiped out.  Maybe Team Plasma had it right after all.

Fanatical Angry Birds:  Millions of people enjoy Angry Birds every day, but has anybody ever asked the important questions?  Why are these birds so angry?  Why are they attacking a bunch of pigs chilling on precarious structures?  Who turned them into suicide bombers in the first place?  Does anybody understand what’s really going on?

Nope.  I don’t think so.  Activision’s decision to publish the Angry Birds trilogy really cements their evil legacy.  While the pigs recently received a chance in the spotlight, I think it’s time we learned more about these innocent creatures and their religious persecution.

The Unsanitary Conditions of Burger Time:  This is relatively minor compared to the rest of the abominations on this list, food contamination is no joke.  Protagonist Peter Pepper tromps around his burger factory chasing ingredients, and completely ignoring the fact that most people don’t enjoy having their hamburger patties, lettuce, cheese and tomatoes all individually stepped on.  Not cool Pepper.  Not cool at all.