A Final Fantasy VII Remake Wouldn’t Go Over So Well These Days

Yesterday I talked about how the further we get in hardware specs and graphics, the more we wish to play old games. Remakes are also an issue. It takes a lot of work to bring an old game up to speed and who else could be considered masters of the remake then Square-Enix? Square has brought so many of the old Final Fantasy games up to speed and some even got more then one redo. Take Final Fantasy IV for instance. We’ve seen versions of this game for the GameBoy Advance, DS, and PSP. Each one of them with different graphics. Still, one of the most talked about remakes is the long rumored Final Fantasy VII one. I, myself, am a huge fan of this game. However, and unfortunately, it is hard for me to see a remake of this game being done and being okay with fans.

There are a lot of events in Final Fantasy VII that may not be okay in today’s world. The game originally came out in 1997, which is still during the hay days of “I just want to play some games and enjoy them”. None of this crap about same-sex in games, sexual tensions, kids murdering because of GTA, etc. plagued the gaming world just yet. It was all about popping the cartridge or disc in and having some good times. Times have changed and I don’t believe the ESRB or parents of the world would play so nicely with Square’s smash hit this time around. Here are some examples of events in the game that would cause a stir nowadays.


1. Wall Market

Now, I got plenty to say about this part of the game. This entire section of the story would have to be redone to keep away from a Mature rating from the ESRB and not having Fox News do a story on you. In Wall Market you have to sneak into a brothel and mansion owned by a mob boss to save your friend Tifa. However, no guys are allowed in the brothel and Cloud won’t let Aeris go in alone. So how do we fix this problem? Well, Cloud becomes a cross dresser and goes through some… terrible things.

Now Cloud has to be the best woman he can be to get selected by the Don. You have a couple options here to do this. Cloud needs a dress firstly. You can choose from different fabrics and styles but only one pair will be the best. After that you’ll need a wig. In order to get the wig, you have to go to the Wall Market gym and challenge one of the guys there to a squat match. You perform a set of button commands to make Cloud do squats. If you beat the guy by a certain number you’ll get the best wig. You’re not done yet, though. You can also do some things to ensure you’re the prized catch of the day by receiving a Diamond Tiara and Sexy Cologne. You do all this so Cloud can look like an actual sexy, dressed up woman.

Not only would seeing this in updated graphics creep the hell out of me, but I don’t think the mothers of the world (in all their infinite glory and general bitchiness) would appreciate their kids able to buy a game that endorses cross dressing to get what you want. You know they would spin it like that in an instant.

This isn’t the worst part of the Wall Market, though. Oh, no no no. During your quest to become a woman, you’ll spend some time in the Honeybee Inn. This is the local brothel. In it you’re main goal is to get make-up for your face to help get the best out of the cross dressing quest. However, there are other rooms that you can enter to “relax”. There are a couple of different things that could happen. Both of them deal with strange, sexual overtones. Cloud either collapses and faints and is visited by a buff man. The other scene is where Cloud has to take a bath with several buff men. Take it as you want to. Both scenes will award Cloud a different type of underwear to use with the dress. Yup.



2. Suicide

Suicide is never something that goes over well in gaming. Someone always gets on about it. Final Fantasy VII had some suicide in it. Specifically, we watched as Dyne threw himself off a cliff in the Corel Prison under the Gold Saucer. Dyne was once Barret’s best friend but they were attacked by Shinra forces. Dyne fell off a cliff but Barret caught him. Both of these hands dangling over the ledge were struck, resulting in Dyne falling into the pit and both men receiving gun cannons on their arms. Dyne’s tale was sad. He had lost everything. He lost his wife. He lost Marlene. Yes, Dyne is the biological father of the little girl Barret looks after. It is really quite sad and the writing for that scene in the desert junkyard was very touching. After all was said and done, Dyne ended it all much to the dismay of Barret who blamed himself. A tragic side plot that ends in a bad way. Still, the plot was very crucial to Barret’s character. Having this edited out of the game to ensure a good rating and not to trample on any toes would break one of the most important character’s backstory.


3. Gold Saucer Dates

I may be pulling at strings here since this is something you really need to work at to get. During the group’s stay at the Gold Saucer, you can have a date with one of four characters: Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie, or Barrett. While the three women scenes are fine, with all the hubb-lubb going on about same-sex scenes in games, I’d think Barrett’s date would be cut out. Which is a real shame because it is hilarious. Although the part of the game is entitled the Date Scene, Barrett’s trip with Cloud around the Gold Saucer was so funny. “Congratulations! You are our 100th couple today…. Oh, wait…. no you’re not… Sorry.”


It is things like this that make me think the original Final Fantasy VII that was released in the US would get an M rating these days. I don’t think Square-Enix would be alright with that.  No Final Fantasy has ever received an M rating. I doubt Sqaure would also want to deal with the backlash so many developers get nowadays thanks to oversensitive people. As sad as it sounds, I really doubt that if we even got a Final Fantasy VII remake that it would appease the fans. It would be different. I can’t see these parts of the game staying in tact. This begs the question: would you buy the remake if they changed the game by editing out scenes?