This is according to a new, interesting job listing.
The 2013 All-Video Game Football Team
Well, the NFL draft is in full swing, and that can only mean one thing: it’s time to make our picks for the 2013 All-Video Game team. Some of you may remember last year’s picks, but we have completely overhauled our roster for this year, meaning no duplicate selections. With the emergence of QBs like Cam Newton, Colin Kaepernick, RG3 and Russell Wilson, the newest fad is the read-option offense. Since we love fads here at Leviathyn, we decided to build our offense around speed and misdirection. Likewise, we needed a bullying defense to help them prepare come game time. So, with that in mind, here are our picks for the 2013 All-Video Game team.
QB- Shadow (FFVI): Shadow, the loner ninja from Final Fantasy VI, fits my needs at QB perfectly. His extensive practice throwing objects has long since developed his arm strength, and he has the speed to fit well into my read-option offense. Also, ninja. He’s a ninja. I think he has a quiet strength that would convey well into a leadership role, although he wouldn’t like it.
HB- Corvo (Dishonored): Now that I’ve got a quick QB, I need a running back with the skills to compliment him. Corvo is a master at misdirection; a must for a read-option HB. He is explosive at getting through gaps, he can just blink if necessary, and he provides a plethora of offensive options. As a last resort, if there is one tackler between him and the goal line, he can always possess that poor shmuck and take it to the house.
FB- Master Chief: Again, I need a versatile FB in my offense. Master Chief has the strength to handle blocking duties if need be, but he is also a dual threat as a runner. He recently learned how to sprint, you know. He may be getting a tad past his prime, but he provides veteran leadership at this workhouse position.
WR- Dante: While his style over substance ratio could legitimately be called into question, Dante brings to the table everything you want in a marquee receiver: good speed, tremendous hops and a completely over-the-top showboat attitude. Some people claim Dante is a locker room killer, but I think his antics can help balance out this decidedly professional team. That double jump is bound to lead to some scores.
WR- Prince of Persia: Speaking of mobility, who better to help spread the field than the original freerunner, the Prince of Persia. I’m not sure how popular American football is over there, but I’m sure he could pick it up quickly. He is fleet-footed enough to serve as a deep threat, which compliments Dante’s possession-based skills, and he has the strength to help with downfield blocking. Perfect.
TE- Alex Mercer (Prototype): Remember, my offense is based around versatility. Mercer is an ever-changing skill player who can swap between blocking and route-running with ease. His ability to blend these different roles is perfect, and I like the aggression he brings to the squad. When that long tentacle-arm comes out, he is a beast in the red zone.
LT- Kintaro (Mortal Kombat): Since I couldn’t use Goro again (I thought he was probably the most perfect pick ever), I’m just going to go for the next best thing and have Kintaro anchor my line at the all-important left tackle spot. Who better to protect Shadow’s blind side than a hulking, four-armed cat? As long as nobody points a laser pointer onto the field, I think I will be okay.
LG- Wario: Again, protecting the left side is key. I can’t have people coming in on my QBs weak side and crushing him, despite the fact that nobody is going to catch my ninja QB anyway. Wario, besides being an awesome prankster in the locker room, gives me bulk and nastiness on my O-line.
C- Arthas (World of Warcraft): Who better than the reigning king of evil to anchor my line in the middle. The center should be the helmsman of the offensive line, and Arthas has ample experience leading a group of bruisers. He is mean, capable and is one of the few people who could possibly keep my somewhat ragtag O-line in order.
RG- Barrett (Final Fantasy VII): OK, yes, I know that Barrett is missing a hand. No worries, though, because he can adapt literally anything onto that mess of an arm. His considerable strength and never-give-up attitude are a constant inspiration to my team, and he exhibits leadership qualities as well. Plus, now that he is finally free from Cloud, I feel like his ceiling is much higher.
RT- Handyman (BioShock Infinite): When it comes to my strong-side tackle spot, all I need is a hulking monster who can follow directions. Enter the Handyman, whose wide body, superior strength and lack of free will fit the bill perfectly. No one will ever deny his devotion to the cause, and he can get nasty when he wants to.
DE- Wesker (Resdient Evil): Wesker’s skill set reads like a to-do list for up-and-coming defensive ends: above average intelligence, lightning quick bursts of speed and a villainous mentality. Wesker can dodge bullets; I’m pretty sure he could blow through a defensive line every now and then and net me a sack. Sure he draws more than his fair share of fouls, but it is worth it for this pass rushing monster.
DT- Urdnot Wrex (Mass Effect): Who better to plug up the middle of the line that the leader of the Krogans? Wrex is perfect for this job; he’s mean, strong and can bull rush like nobody’s business. He brings a sort of feral intelligence to the middle of the line, which compliments his fellow d-lineman’s unquenchable bloodlust quite nicely.
DT- Pac-Man: In my front-heavy scheme, I need a defensive anchor that can chew through the opposing offensive line. Who better to do that than Pac-Man? He is quick, low to the ground and makes terrific cuts. He doesn’t frighten easily, and he is a veteran not prone to rookie mistakes. Case closed.
DE- Sweet Tooth (Twisted Metal): Another physical monster, Sweet Tooth should be able to unnerve opposing tackles with this creepy demeanor. Opposite Wesker, these two make quite the formidable pass-rushing team, and Sweet Tooth knows a thing or two about systematically wearing an opponent down.
ROLB- Pyramid Head (Silent Hill): I mean, what would you do if you had to line up against Pyramid Head? With Wrex on the other end creating havoc with his strength, Pyramid Head provides the fear that a good D-line should bring. I’ve seen his rip-and-tear move; it should be most effective on the field.
MLB- Zangief (Street Fighter): He is big and strong, has great body control and has a past in sports entertainment. He will make a great fan-favorite middle linebacker. The first time he piledrives some poor helpless running back trying to run up the gut, my team is going to go absolutely crazy.
LOLB- HK-47 (Knights of the Old Republic): In my 4-3 scheme, my outside linebackers need to be brutes who can not only stuff the run, but help in pass protection as well. Enter HK-47 who brings the toughness, attitude and skills to this important position. His precise mechanics allow him to roam the field as needed, and ensure that he is always in position to make a play on some meatbags.
CB- Starkiller (The Force Unleashed): I’m not going to lie: I hate Starkiller. However, this is a business, and my loyalty is to my fans. I have to take the best pick available, and Starkiller would make an excellent cover corner. He has the instincts and speed to keep up with any receiver, and you can’t deny the fire he brings to the team. He’s always yelling. But it is his access to the Force, and the high likelihood of interceptions that indicates, that really secured his spot on the team.
CB- Alucard (Castlevania): Quick, agile and strong, Alucard brings a number of favorable attributes to the CB position. He knows how to get vertical when he needs to (thanks to all that practice climbing clock towers) and can move like the mist when he needs to. His incredible stamina allows me to keep him on an island, which frees the pressure on some of my other defenders.
SS- Agent 47 (Hitman): With my secondary, it is all about blending in. I have a pretty monstrous front seven, so my backfield needs to be able to cover multiple roles to allow those guys to do what they do best. 47 knows how to blend, but his physicality is what makes him an ideal hard-hitting strong safety. Fear the barcode.
FS- Altair (Assassin’s Creed): Is there anybody better to be roaming the secondary? Altair brings smarts and athleticism to the position, and he is quite capable of getting to whatever spot he needs to be in. I mean, he has Eagle vision. His instincts are impeccable, and he helps bring some speed to my brutish defense. His elusiveness in the backfield is legendary; I couldn’t tell you the number of QBs who claimed they never even saw him.