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“Would You Rather?” Gamer Edition (Part 1)
I live in a world of wild hypotheticals. It’s how my mind works. Flights of fancy invade my waking hours and offer solace from the horrible, sunny, pollen-y outside world. Another anti-outside-aid comes in the form of video games, which I play and (as you can see from the fact that you are indulging my habit with attention) write about regularly. Needless to say, it was only a matter time before those two worlds collided. This article (and any ensuing ones of the same title) is the result of that collision.
So without further ado, allow me to present my musings on an extremely important question:
Would I rather be eaten by Yoshi or by Kirby?
This is a tough one. For the sake of equal treatment, I will assume that this is taking place in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, as that is what I was playing when this question came into my mind. The major differences between being consumed by Kirby and Yoshi is point of exit. Yoshi presumably subjects his victims to the full extent of his digestive system before depositing them via his posterior in an egg, which breaks after several seconds of physical exertion. Kirby seems to pop them out, fully functioning, directly above his… head? The top of his face? In addition to a less than savory route out, Yoshi gets prey into his mouth with the help of his long, apparently sticky tongue while Kirby achieves his goals by simply inhaling deeply and waiting for you to fly on in there. Much less goop-y and gross.
At first glance, the above information may seem like a deal breaker for team Yoshi, but upon closer inspection, Kirby has his own mysterious downsides. For one, we never see Kirby actively evacuating the people he consumes from his body- they just appear. For all we know, he is pulling a Prestige-style magic trick that makes an exact copy but leaves the original to die a painful and terrifying death (or kill the copy… go watch The Prestige- it has Wolverine and Batman). There is also the additional issue of Kirby absorbing certain traits of the person he consumes. Now, I don’t have many overly discernable talents for Kirby to develop (unless being moderately funny on the Internet is a skill worth stealing)- I don’t shoot arrows or punch fire- so what if Kirby just gained all of my thoughts and started spewing my deepest, darkest secrets to use against me, all while sporting a comically large version of my notoriously messy hair? I’d rather brave a dinosaur’s bowels any day.
Disagree? Agree for different reasons? Tell me about it by commenting down below!
Also, feel free to offer suggestions for the next “Would you Rather?” for Gamers!