Now that Club Nintendo is closing its doors, it's safe to wonder if this will be the end of the physical reward system. We go over a brief history of some of the rewards granted to gamers from Nintendo Power strategy guides to soundtracks and weigh it against the digitized reward systems.
10 Video Game Girls Your Mother Wouldn’t Approve Of
Yesterday I listed the ten video game girls that you could bring home to mom and show off. It seems that most of you were happy to see character like Zelda, Chie, and Alyx on there.
Today we’re going to continue this theme but in the opposite direction. This list is going to talk about ten video game girls your mother wouldn’t approve of nor want over for Sunday dinner.
Whether they’re crazy, vindictive, or socially inept, these ladies should stay far away from your family. You may even consider staying away from them yourself.
Ada Wong – Resident Evil
Oh, Ada. I’ve always liked this character. She’s so mysterious and unobtainable. No matter how hard Leon tries to get Ada to chill out or just stay in one place for longer than 10 minutes she just seems out of control and unpredictable.
Resident Evil 6 brought Ada into a main focus for the series. The damage caused in the latest game is insane and most of it was all done by “Ada”.
While she had a bit of a doppleganger and identity issue, what Resident Evil 6 helped Ada with was becoming extremely sexy. Unfortunately that also involved making her a lot more dangerous. The conflict between her and Carla Radames was interesting. In fact, Carla was even better looking than Ada in my opinion. I’d have liked to see more about her uncovered.
The issue with Ada is that she’ll never settle down. She never even stands in place. Take a cue from Leon’s situation with her and just walk away. I doubt your parents would enjoy her explosive and condescending disposition anyways.
Fat Princess – Fat Princess
Now, this isn’t about weight. It’s about table manners. This princess just doesn’t act like royalty and is extremely demanding. She would be a horror at dinner and while every mother likes someone who will eat her cooking, I’m fairly sure that she doesn’t want to have to go shopping to restock the very next day.
This entry is purely comedic but this is just another example of how a woman could be denied by your mother. No one wants someone who is crazy demanding destroying a kitchen every single week. I mean, who knows what else she’d be demanding about. That would get old fast.
Do yourself a favor and just don’t even make eye contact. Just walk away fast and never look back.
Kitana – Mortal Kombat
The movies helped Kitana look like a semi-normal gal just caught up in a terrible situation. Well, unfortunately for her, no one considers the movies when talking about Mortal Kombat.
This is an ancient princess whose royal family was rocked to its core by the evil Shao Khan and then had her mother raised up to be his slave queen. That’s a horrible family situation to deal with and the fact that this baggage is thousands of years old, I would not want to get on her bad side and start a grudge match.
Mothers never like emotional baggage. They want their sons to just be happy and not worry about walking on eggshells. That would be impossible with Kitana. Not only is she dealing with a bunch of personal issues but she could literally kick your head off if you don’t do exactly everything right.
Could you imagine if your mother and her got into it at the dinner party? Flawless victory. Fatality.
Sniper Wolf – Metal Gear Solid
What a babe. This is your classic femme fatale. Sniper Wolf is a cold, calculating, intelligent, and sexy video game girl. The way she stalks her prey, learns about them, becomes intimate with them, and then strikes is just a wonder to watch. If you’re a particular target, she may even ensure you suffer through the ordeal just for her enjoyment. The more important you are to her, the more deadly she is.
I don’t think I have to say anything besides that. Just that last sentence is enough to send every man away. You wouldn’t want to take her to dinner with your parents and have her dangle a knife near your father just to watch you and your mother fear her more each second. She’d be happy but I doubt your parents would be.
Sniper Wolf may be exciting to watch but she is not someone you’d want to get intimate with. She may just kill your cat to show her affection.
Isabela – Dragon Age
Now, everyone loves a woman who can take care of herself in most situations. A lot of people also like pirates. So when you combine the two you get a sexy, deadly, hilarious, and adventurous pirate called Isabela.
Isabela is a very popular character in Dragon Age and she is certainly high up there on the list when it comes to fan fiction and artwork. In the realm of video game girls, Isabela may be one of the most popular to come out in the past five years.
Sounds great, right? Here’s the problem: she’s a nymphomaniac who doesn’t care about exclusivity with a partner, she’s quicker to use her blade than her mouth, she’s always drinking, and she takes up the dangerous jobs which lands her in trouble often.
That all adds up into your mother’s worst nightmare. As I said with Kitana, your mom doesn’t want you walking on eggshells and whether Isabela is breaking your heart, verbally or physically abusing you while drunk, or you have headhunters stalking your house because of her, she is not going to be your mother’s best friend.
Jack – Mass Effect
There’s something about Jack that just strikes players in that awkward yet intriguing way. You can tell right away that she’s different, crazy, and a stone cold b!#@$. However, you still pass by her on the Normandy and think, “I wonder what a relationship with that would be like.”
If I had to give one positive to choosing Jack as your romantic interest in Mass Effect 2, it would have be just how much she cares about you. Being the tough gal she’s very hostile to most people but if you pursue her, she will protect you like you’re her life savings and first born all rolled up into one.
Outside of that, this is most likely the number one video game girl that your mother would disapprove of. She’s covered from head to toe in tattoos, she’s got one god awful attitude, she’d rather punch her way out of an argument then use wits and logic, she doesn’t care for a lot things and she’ll make sure you know it. In short, she’s the picture perfect image of a girl that a mother never wants to see with her son.
Still, she’s a wild one and I really enjoyed her story and romance in Mass Effect. I need to replay those games again.
Lulu – Final Fantasy X
Talk about your condescending, self-obsessed, occult-loving, yet damn fine character. Lulu is a unique character in the Final Fantasy series. She grew up with one of the main characters and uses dolls to augment her Black Magic. She looks so adorable but they she opens her mouth.
Wait a tick, let’s back up a second. She uses dolls to augment her magic. Not only is that weird, it’s insanely creepy. Dolls? Why does it have to be dolls? Ick. Looks, Lulu may be a great looking character but when you combine her attitude, absorbing personality, black magic use, and the dolls I just have to walk away. My mother would kill me if I brought some chick home for dinner and she sat there with a damn freaky looking doll.
I can see it now, “what’s with the doll, Lulu?” “Oh this thing? I use it to curse my enemies and make them suffer.” “Oh, nice. How’s the peas, hun?”
Lulu shows later on that she can be sweet and kind but she is tough to break, hard to control, hard to get used to, and… damn I just can’t get past those dolls.
Lilith The Siren – Borderlands
So in Borderlands we thought Lilith was just this cute and deadly Vault Hunter, right? Then comes Borderlands 2 and Gearbox puts stories in for all of the characters we played as in the first game. Now we know that Lilith is a crazy psychopath who loves fire.
Not only that but there is a series of quests that has you track and help out a cult that has chosen Lilith as their god. You help them kill, maim, slaughter, and sacrifice midgets until all of a sudden they want to kill a bunch of people all at once and then she wants to stop them. A little late to tell they’re all batcrap crazy, huh Lilith?
Look, mom’s don’t like crazies. They don’t want them around and they certainly don’t want them hanging on your arm and dangling your heartstrings. You know that saying, right? The famous and oft-said one talking about crazies and sticking “it” to them? Yeah, listen to that. They can be fun but just think of her daily and weekly antics and put yourself in a scene when you deal with it every single day and then add a child in the mix. Sound like fun?
That’s how mother’s see it and we all wish we saw it that way too when we end up in that situation. Sorry Lilith, keep your day job because you’re not welcome to Sunday dinner.
Sarah Kerrigan – StarCraft
Kerrigan’s life has basically sucked. She was betrayed, kidnapped, and turned into some twisted queen of a nasty, insectoid-like alien race. She has never once forgotten about how Mengsk deserted her and her anger and revenge is incarnate.
Couple that with the insanely complicated relationship she has with Raynor and you have the workings of a mad woman hellbent on revenge and grudges. Just picture yourself in Raynor’s situation for a moment. You love this woman yet she’s been manipulated and twisted by an alien race because the great leader of the Terran betrayed her and then you walked out on him for it. Already complicated. Now factor in that you will stop at nothing to help save her and change her back. When you finally succeed, what does she do? She goes right back to revenge and wanting to use the alien race that twisted her to help her do it.
C’mon, man! I just spent years — YEARS — trying to undo the damage done to you just to watch you go right back out there to do the same crap all over again. This woman isn’t going to fall in your arms, show her appreciation for everything you did, and live a great life with you. No she’s going to give you a cold shoulder while she risks her second chance at a normal life. That’s zero respect, zero gratitude, and zero attention. This is a horrible relationship.
Morrigan – Dragon Age
Dragon Age gets double mention on this list but I saved the best for last. While Isabela is a pirate whore with terrible manners, Morrigan is a cold-hearted witch who will do anything to ensure her safety, her power, and her future. She even goes as far as to employ you to kill her mother — just in case, ya know?
Morrigan has a lot of heart hidden under all that black magic and self-serving she does but all you get is glimpses. She’d rather scold you, laugh at you, humiliate you, or curse you. She doesn’t get along with others and she turns out to be a giant hassle to the rest of the party after she chooses herself and her future over the battle with the Archfiend. Granted, her plan did help with the battle in an indirect way but in the end it was all about her.
This self-centered witch may look amazing but looks can kill. That saying has never been more appropriate than with Morrigan.