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Top 10 Worst Video Game Jobs

You know, it’s probably really good being the protagonist in a video game.  Besides obvious perks like a steady source of income, the inability to permanently die (cutscene deaths notwithstanding of course) and full health and dental, I’m sure there are a thousand other awesome things attached to being a hero we don’t even know about.  I bet they live like rock stars when the camera isn’t rolling.  But remember, for every rock star, there is meek and servile Jonah Hill picking up the crap that gets left behind.

The video game universe is just like ours.  There are awesome jobs, and there are “I want to bionic stomp my boss’s knee caps” jobs.   Not everybody can be a hero, but everybody has to pay the bills.  Here are the Top 10 Worst Video Game Jobs

10.  Rock Band- Gig Booker:  In the normal course of things, being a gig booker is probably pretty cool.  You get to chat it up with crazy musicians and seedy bar owners, there is always beer available and the “I know the band” card is always available to you.  However, there can’t be any fun behind setting up gigs for Rock Band. All the venues look ridiculous and dangerous, your band is full of dorks and they only play like eight songs, maximum, that any one group could possibly want to hear.  Furthermore, every crowd everywhere is so hostile they are pining for the chance to literally boo you off stage.  Just aching to judge you right down to the red so they can move onto the next Nirvana cover.  No thanks.

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9.  Madden NFL- Referee:  I don’t know how these guys get anything done.  The college video game moves at a pace that would make Chip Kelly blush, and these refs have to somehow keep up with the feverish scoring going on.  Players are constantly making physically impossible catches, crazy tackles and whatnot, and someone could go in and mess with your sliders at like anytime.  If you do mess up, there is the most advanced instant replay system in the business, capable of rotating and zooming in on your obvious false holding call after the game tying touchdown I just made. He literally went right through the guy, HOW IS THAT HOLDING?  Ahem, I digress.  Also, your animations are always jerky.  No idea why that hasn’t been fixed yet.

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8.  Any RPG-Shopkeeper:  Being a shopkeeper in the real world sucks bad enough.  There may be little to do but stock the shelves and check out customers, but think about your video game counterpart for a second.  They rarely have shelves to stock, as they are usually forced to carry all their wares on their person, apparently.  They get exactly one (1) customer who usually just sells more than he buys anyway, and if he is in another town, too freaking bad.  Because you have to be standing behind the counter just in case.  God forbid you aren’t there if he needs some potions.  And you better hope you live far away from his hometown, because that’s the only way you are going to make any money.  This goes double for innkeepers.

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7.  Assassin’s Creed- Landscape Designer:  Because logic isn’t really a thing there.  The only real criteria to building anything is “can you climb it?”.  Practicality is thrown out the window in favor of unnecessary poles and numerous, yet somehow vital, hay bales.  Please don’t forget the hay bales.  That has to be the number one question Assassin’s Creed realtors get, “And what’s the proximity to the nearest hay bale?”  Also if your roof can’t be scaled in three seconds or can’t be reached by at least three other rooftops, your whole setup is basically an abomination.  And let’s not forget about the ridiculous bird problem going on.  Those things are everywhere, setting up their dirty little nests with their beady little eyes….I see you, birds.

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6.  BioShock- Vending Machine Operator  Rapture is not a nice place to work.  Since non-necessities like hospitals and food places have long since been abandoned, the vending machines are the primary source of, well, everything.  And do you think those things just restock themselves?  Nope, this guy is down in the trenches, fighting to keep peoples inventory full…as well as his own pockets, of course.  This is a business after all, and those things have proven prone to hacking.  That has to affect the profit margins, you know.    I have a two-word suggestion for you guy:  Micro.  Transactions.  You’ll thank me later.

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5.  Mass Effect- Normandy Crew Member:  I’m not talking about anybody with a name.  If you have a name, you are alright.  You still may die, but there is a very plausible chance that you could step foot off the Normandy at some point.  But that one guy is just sitting there spinning dials?  Yeah, welcome to the gruntiest job around.  What are you doing there, buddy?  Calibrating weapons?  I think Garrus has that under control.  Nope, you are forced to play personal taxi service to wherever Shepard feels like going.  You don’t fight, you don’t fly, and you definitely don’t navigate.  You don’t even warrant a conversation wheel.  That’s how little Shepard cares about you.

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4.  Trials- Driver:  Who built these courses?  Poor Trials Guy has to navigate these absurdly difficult tracks that have him going through saw blades, down hills that surely far exceed safety regulations and frequently put him in situations where he will most likely be set on fire.  Note that these are the things he has to deal with while on the track.  A variety of dizzying falls, lava pits and general deathtraps await him should he crash.  Which he will.  He always crashes eventually.  Should he succeed, though, surely he gets a sweet reward, right.  Nope, just another, usually quite dramatic, death trap.  Not cool, man.

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3.  Batman: Arkham City- Riddler Henchman:  Do you think Riddler himself put all those trophies out?  Because I got news for you, the Riddler has a little tool he likes to use.  It’s called delegation.  While he is meticulously setting up the sweet hostage deathtraps, the grunts are out there painstakingly drawing green question marks and placing trophies in hard-to-reach locations.  And this isn’t exactly an entry level job, mind you.  You need at least twenty hours of engineering credits and a recommendation to even get past the screening process.  Then of course there is the Riddler’s interview, and you can imagine how awful that must be.  He doesn’t even offer fringe benefits.

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2.  Mario- Any Other Plumber:  There is no way Mario can be the only plumber in the Mushroom Kingdom.  Can’t be.  Dude is never on the job anyway, so you would think that other plumbers would be practically pressed into service.  But even if there were dozens of other probably more qualified plumbers out there, none of them could even hope to match a tenth of Mario’s name recognition.  I’ll give it to the Italian, he knows his way around the sewer system, and I’ve yet to run into another plumber scouring the pipes like Mario.  What gives?  You have to give it to the man for making plumbing relevant, but not everybody has that kind of power.

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1.  Grand Theft Auto-Cop:  Seriously.  If there is a worse job in Videogameland, I just don’t know what it is.  Being a cop in our universe is bad enough, now imagine that people have ready access to tanks, a chain gun store that sells myriad weapons for dirt cheap and more criminal activity than Lindsay Lohan’s house.  If the cops are lucky enough to snag a violent perp, assuming he hasn’t massacred his way into a six-star rating already, the very generous criminal laws will have him back on the street in literally no time.  They are so numerous you could never hope to get ahead in the force, so you just count down the days until somebody rams you into the ocean, where you die.  Because, if you live in Liberty City, you can’t swim.  There really is nothing redeeming about that thankless job whatsoever, and its incredible mortality rate and bleak advancement outlook grab it the top spot.



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